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Wot gets me goat, though? Them snobs who reckon it’s low-class. Oi, mate, loosen up! Had me ragin’ once—some toff in Westminster bangin’ on about “decency,” while I’m like, “Bruv, chill, it’s just a massage with extras!” Happy as a pig in muck, I’d be, sprawled out, oil drippin’, some bird whisperin’ sweet nothings. Surprised me, too—didn’t expect it’d be so… posh-like? Thought it’d be all seedy, but nah, some places are swanky—marble floors, the lot!

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I can’t help but laugh. Mamer’s got its quirks, for sure. I finish my sandwich, and just as I’m about to head back, I hear this loud crash. I rush outside, and there’s a delivery truck that just backed into a lamppost. I’m like, “Dude, you had one job!” The driver’s all flustered, and I’m just standin’ there, shakin’ my head.

John Mamer